Ten ways to keep me as your Facebook friend

Okay, this is a completely self-serving post that I wrote for a local mag, but I can’t wait for it to be posted.

It’s amazing how Facebook has become such an essential part of our lives. Even after watching The Social Network and realizing what a total jerk Zuckerberg is, and really wanting to quit Facebook, I can’t. However, I’ve been noticing my interest in Facebook waning lately and I suspect it may have something to do with the standard of my friends recent updates, their friends’ responses, etc., so as I can’t divorce myself from Facebook I’m making a list of self-serving guidelines. Of course, you don’t have to heed my advice. I can always deface you.

1. Don’t be boring. I don’t really want to know exactly what you are doing at this very moment, unless it’s fascinating or hilarious. And I do not want to see photos of your meals.

2. Don’t vague-book. A status of “AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!” is just annoying, and I don’t care what you are talking about on principle.

3. Don’t post about your intimate personal life, unless it’s funny.

4. Don’t diss people, you’ll regret it, one way or another. Unless they really deserve it.

5. If you ‘like’ a video one of those new auto-like thingies, unlike it immediately! Geez!

6. Don’t ask me to join anything unless you know I will want to. If you don’t know me well enough to be sure, then just don’t.

7. Poking? Seriously? Don’t.

8. Don’t tag me in ugly photos of myself.

9. Don’t ‘friend’ me unless I know you, or should know you, or might like you, or you’re hot. And single.

10. Don’t take me seriously when it’s completely obvious I’m joking. Really, until there’s a sarcasm font, just imagine I’m using it. Except for the list above. Dead serious about all that. :p

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